I was born a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I grew up learning and try to live its teachings. I thought by age 28 I had figured out my religion, my God and the path I wanted to take in life.
Until July 2009, when I wrote in my Journal...
"I tried to stay strong, but I found myself in the restroom, knelt in private prayer. Pleading with the Lord to save her, to leave her here with us. As I left the restroom I saw walking down the hall towards me two men, and I had the district impression to stop them. As they approached I simply said 'Are you here looking for the Wolfleys?' They looked at me a bit surprised and said 'Yes'. I told them good because my brother needed them and I walked them back to the room. We sat together in the room [my brother], his Bishop and the 1st counselor. I was still praying silently, not a word was said."
"I watched as my brokenhearted brother anointed his wife's tubed and bandaged head, then as a holy circle of priesthood bearing men circled around her and blessed her I waited and listened, wanting them to say the words 'be made whole', 'heal'....instead I heard the words 'peace', 'comfort' and 'lords will'. When the blessing closed I looked around blurry eyed and almost disappointed. Watching my brother, feeling that this blessing could have been more. The Lord heals, doesn't he? Why aren't we asking for that?"
"Bishop took [my brother] away for a walk. I stood by her bedside, I took her hand, warm and so real. I would talk to her. Yearning for her to respond with a little squeeze of the hand, anything. I watched her face, waiting for the moment when she would open her eyes and see us there. I found myself growing frustrated but still told myself, 'Be strong, She'll pull through. She'll make it."
"10:10pm, good news, vitals are all very strong, but still no drainage. We left the hospital, checked into a hotel."
"3:00am, the cell phone rings. We head back to the hospital where we are met by a nurse standing outside her door. We are told they couldn't get any vitals from her...my heart sank, at that moment, for the first time...I started to doubt all hope."
"I felt so helpless and alone. Questioning why...where was our miracle? Where were the healing powers of the priesthood? Why weren't my prayers being heard?"
"5:00am. I watched the nurse as she carefully took her stethoscope and listened. I watched her eyes fall upon [my brother] several times...that's when it started to sink in. I could see the concern in her eyes, I could almost feel it. She then started to work with the machines and IV tubes, and I watched her watch my brother out of the corner of her eyes as she slowly and ever so carefully unhooked them."
"I stood and walked over to her bedside, completely overwhelmed, filled with fear. No way was this happening to us."
"Shortly after, the doctor entered and explained as simply as she could the images from the most recent cat scan. There was evidence of another hemorrhage in her brain, the pressure had compressed her brain stem and it had left her completely brain dead. All my brother had to ask was 'So she's gone?' and the reply was, ' yes...I'm so sorry.'"
and I broke.
I recorded later in my Journal...
"I can't make sense of what God has been thinking. Why would he allow such a thing to happen? Why weren't my prayers being heard? Were they even reaching high enough? Was I really that dumb and naive to even hope? Was God really there? What had I believed in for all these years...just to be left alone and forgotten. Was she happy in heaven? Wouldn't she want to be here with her children instead? Was she heartbroken too? Was there even really a heaven, or is it just a place we dream up and hope in to give us some false sense of peace that our loved ones aren't gone forever. Why would God take a young mother away from her children? Did she really find peace?"
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So when asked today by my little ones, "Is Heaven Real?" I answered, without a doubt in my mind, "Yes".
What brought me my peace and answers to my questions? The answer is simple, TIME.
When we reach our lowest of lows, our state of "Brokenness" we really have to dig deep and soul search, What is it that we believe in? Has it been proven to me? Do I know it to be real?
In the Book of Mormon - Moroni 9:25-26 it reads...
25 My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever.
26 And may the grace of God the Father, whose throne is high in the heavens, and our Lord Jesus Christ, who sitteth on the right hand of his power, until all things shall become subject unto him, be, and abide with you forever. Amen.
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/9.25-26?lang=engMy Sister sent me this scripture shortly after our family's trial. She simple wrote in a note "went to the temple today, while waiting in the chapel I opened the scriptures to this verse. Thought I would share it with you." In the note she has scratched out the word "Son" and replaced it with "Daughter" and the word "Written" and replaced it with "done". So the first line read, "My Daughter, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have done grieve thee..."
There is no way of knowing Gods plan. But I now know, without question to the things I learned in my youth, that there is a God in Heaven. As the years have passed I have looked back on my moment of despair and can see it in a whole different light. I am not angry anymore for the things that have been done. I have found that peace in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Just as the scripture in Moroni states, "May Christ lift thee up...and the "HOPE" of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."
There is HOPE! Sometimes we simply lose sight of it for a while...but its always there. Find Christ and be lifted up. Rest easy that glory and eternal life is there for all, forever.
That is what brings me peace.
I love this gospel. I love its simple truths and reminders that life is just life. That there is so much more that awaits us. Heaven is a beautiful place. A place of peace and comfort. I know the priesthood blessing my brother was so inspired to give that day to his wife was meant to be. My dear sister in law found her peace...and her comfort. We will see her again!
